Friday, October 14, 2011

Another Monh, Another Disappointed

I woke up this morning with a migraine and cramps, my unfriendly visitor made an unwelcome early arrival.  It is such a disappointment.  I go up and took some motrin and went back to be for an hour, but when I woke back up I still had a headache and cramps so I called into work and made a doctors appointment. I then crawled back into bed and curled up to my husband and cried until I fell back asleep.

My doctors appointment was at 12:00, they were really nice to squeeze me in. They gave me two shots, one for headache and one for the nausea. The shots were very painful, I think I regressed to a five year with my reaction, but my nurse was very sweet. Bu he shots did take pain away and my hip felt better after 30 minutes or so. I had Michael take me to TCBY for a treat afterwards.

I am feeling pretty sad. It feels silly mourn something that was never mine to begin with, but as each month passes I feel like my chances at motherhood are slipping away and it may never happen. That thought is devastating.

We won' be trying the IUI this cycle, because we are on our way out of town this week. We're heading to Orlando to visit the theme parks and Halloween Horror Nights.  I always try to find the bright side in every situation, so I guess in this case I ll be able to enjoy some cocktails and ride the roller coasters. Plus we can have fun trying the old fashion way.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

2 more days

Last night I dreamt it was Saturday and it was time for me to take my pregnancy test and when I went to take it it turned pink and I was pregnant with a girl.  I really would love to believe it was a premonition, but I am pretty sure dreaming of fish means you're pregnant.  Plus I was living at the Playboy Mansion because Hugh Hefner adopted me. Now that was fun, all the perks without having to sleep with Hef. (I can call him Hef, because I watched 3 seasons of Girls Next Door).

Anyway, I get to take the test in 2 days.  I really have no inkling one way or the other on the test will show.  I haven't been cranky which is the first symptom of that my cycle is about to start. On the other hand my face is all broken out, probably worse breakout I have had in a very long time, so maybe I am about to start.  Only time will tell.

There is only a 20% chance for the IUI o be successful, so I know I have to be prepared for he negative results, but I am so hopeful that it will be positive.  I have waited so long to have a child of my own and I am not getting any younger.  I just hope I don't have to wait too much longer

Saturday, October 8, 2011

The Dreaded 2 Week Wait

I am currently  one week into the two week wait.  Last Saturday Michael and  I went in for the artificial insemination. I always feel a little trampy when we do that. I never notice any of the wives going in with their husbands when they have to make their donations.

It is always so hard walking the fine line between staying optimistic and realistic. There is only a 20% chance that the IUI will be a success and I desperately want it to be a success, though I realize it make make multiple tries with the IUI and that we may even have to try IVF. I am just very thankful that I have such good insurance through my job that both procedures are 100% covered. 

I think that if we are not successful this month I will skip October and try again in November.

I just have to stay positive and say my prayers.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Recovery and what comes next

I mentioned before that the doctor told me that the pain would not be so bad and that it wouldn't last that long.  He was terribly wrong. The pain was awful.  I never realized how I often I used my ab muscles until it hurt every time I used them.  I had to resort to sleeping in a recliner because I couldn't lie down in bed. Sneezing would make scream out in pain and laughing was completely out of the question.  I watched nothing but disaster movies and scary movies to make sure I wouldn't laugh.  I couldn't stand up and down by myself, which made going to the bathroom a challenge.  It wasn't too bad when my mom was here, but I was horrified when Michael had to help me.  I made him close his eyes the entire time.

The pain medication they gave me made me sick, so I stuck with my over the counter ibuprofen.

I started feeling better and stronger on the 2nd, 10 days after the surgery.  On the 3rd I was able to make Michael cupcakes for his birthday, that I missed on the 1st. I slept in the bed for the first time last night, 15 days later. I will be returning to work on September 12, 20 days later.

As of right now I am able to move around by myself, but sneezing and laughing still causes me some pain. It is hard sleeping, because my sides and stomach are still tender so I am stuck sleeping on my back.  I haven't even tried sex yet, but I hope to soon.  It has been way too long.

Anyways, I went to the doctor today and he just repeated everything I knew. We have 6 months to aggressively try for a baby. We are going to try the least expensive IUI.  My insurance covers it 100%  We can actually start trying with his cycle.

We will be doing the Femara with the IUI again.  So on day 2 or 3 of my cycle I will go into the doctor for a ultrasound to check for cysts. I will take the Femara pills on days 3-7. On day 9 or 10 I will go in for another ultrasound to make sure the medicine worked. The doctor will then instruct me on when to take the trigger shot. The day after the trigger shot we will go in for the insemination.

I am feeling very confident about this.  My Aunt had similar issues and she became pregnant right away. I have also heard lots of success stories. I'll be saying my prayers.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Day of My Surgery

The morning of August 24th I woke up early, around 8:00.  I had lots to do.  I tend to wait to the last minute, so I didn't have my overnight bag packed.  The nurse told me I would be at the hospital for a 23 hour hold.  I was also starving.  Technically I was supposed to stop eating at midnight, but with the cleanse the last meal I ate was around 1:00 the previous afternoon.  This was very bad for my husband.  You know how Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk when he gets angry, well that is me when I get hungry. I stop being rational and tend to do a lot of growling.

My surgery was scheduled for noon and I had to be there at 10:00.  My husband Michael, my mom and my BFF Beckie were all there to support me.  The nurse called me back pretty quickly to take get me changed, take my vitals and to start my IV.  The first two happened without any problems.  The IV was not so easy. Due to the bowel prep and not having anything to drink since midnight I was really dehydrated so he nurse had hard time finding a good vein.  She poked me5 different times in 5 different places before she finally got one to work.

I was able to sit and chat with everyone for about an hour before the doctor came in to review everything and then the anesthesiologist came in to put me to sleep.  The last thing I remember before "going to sleep" is Michael kissing me and telling me he loved me.

The next thing I know is that I am waking up in a strange room with someone screaming. It was very disorientating. I remember crying and telling the nurse that I was I was in a lot of pain.  And then I woke up in the recovery room.  The rest of the afternoon is pretty fuzzy. There was some vomiting and people talking around me.

It turns out I was scheduled to leave that evening. I returned home and it was time to start the recovery.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Surgery: The day before

My first IUI was not a success. My next step was surgery.

I may have mentioned in the past that during an ultrasound the doctor (Dr. B) discovered I had cysts on my ovaries so I had to have them removed.  Dr. B also suspected that I had endometriosis, but he wouldn't be able to tell until the surgery.

I had my pre-op appointment about a week before my surgery. I asked Dr. B what type of pain I could expect and he said that it wouldn't be too bad.  I would mainly have shoulder pain from the air they would be pumping into me and I would be fine after a few days.  I went ahead and made arrangements to take two weeks off from work just in case.

The day before the surgery I had to do a bowel prep.  I really wish I was prepared for what that would entail.  Now I normally do not discuss any type of bathroom shenanigans but hopefully this will help someone.

I took the day off before the surgery and Michael and I went to the movies.  At 3 in the afternoon I was instructed to take 4 Dulcolax tablets and at 5 I had start drinking a mixture of 64 ounces of Gatorade mixed with 238 grams of Miralax. This was a normal dosage to be taken over 7 days and I was very scared.

It took a while for it to kick in, but once it did, lets just say that it was the worse diarrhea I have ever had.  Here are some tips for surviving.

1. I wish I had eaten light meals the couple of days before hand, more fruits and vegetables.
2. Make the Gatorade as cold as possible.
3. If you're allowed to drink liquids, drink as much as possible, it will help the process.
4.  Get some baby wipes. The baby wipes saved me.
5.  Prep your bathroom, you will be spending a lot of time in there.
6. Set up camp close to the bathroom and make sure you have plenty of reading material.

Tomorrow I will tell you about what I remember about the surgery and my recovery.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

How we met

One more day until I get confirmation one way or the other. I am distracting myself by reading e-mails Michael sent me.  So I decided to share the story of how we met.

I am going to try and get Michael to write up his version of how we came to be. I think it will be interesting to see it from both of points of view. Maybe it will become a regular segment, "He said/She said".

It all began November 17, 2004. I was a member of an online dating site called American Singles.  I had just gotten home from another bad date and decided that I was done with dating and I was signing on to cancel my membership.  Before I did, I saw I had a message from a cute solider just saying hi and introducing myself.  He was stationed in Iraq, so I figured why not. He would probably make a nice pen pal. So I wrote him back and this was the very first e-mail he sent to me.

Hi LaTisha,
Thank you for writing me back.
What kind of stuff do you do for fun? Were you ever married or have kids? What kind of work do you do?
It really isn't to bad being over here. I miss my son but that's really about it. I'm looking into doing another year over here.
I was married for almost 10 years. My ex started having an affair and decided she didn't want to be married anymore. We share custody of our son. He usually spends a week with me and then a week with her.
My favorite author is probably Tom Clancy, but I just finished reading a book called cold zero by Christopher Whitcomb. He was a sniper with the FBIs hostage rescue team and the book is his story. It was a great book. I read it in like 5 days or something.
Next month will be 11yrs I have been in the national guard or reserves. I was never active duty.
Thanks again for writing me back,
Pretty generic.  It was his second e-mail that his sense of humor started shining through and I got a glimpse of his personality.

Hi Latisha,
I have to admit I went back and checked out your profile again. You are beautiful, and tall, and you have enough authors that you like that I am thinking you must read alot. Usually a sign of someone bright enough to carry on a decent conversation. So where is the catch? Are you crazy? It's ok you can tell me. I'm just messin around. It's 3:30 in the morning and I am getting tired so there is no telling what may come out of my mouth right now. Tom Clancy is great. A couple of movies were made from his series of books. The sum of all fears, with Ben Affleck was the last one. I have some of Dean Kootz books. They were sent to me over here but I havnt gotten around to reading them. I know a few people that read alot of Cornwell, and Grafton and really seem to like them.
My son is 9. He is probably the only thing I miss form home. Of course I miss the rest of my family but it isnt the same. When I'm not off playing war, I am an estimator for an air conditioner contractor.  For fun I love the beach. Day and night. I like clubs. I can dance well enough to fake it. I play pool for fun. Will never claim to be good at it but I have moments where I amaze myself. I think what I enjoy the most is just staying home and finding something to do. Go jogging, or watch tv, or play cards. I have the most fun drinking beer and watching football with my best friend. What kind of movies do you like? I think my favorite right now are the 2 bad boy movies and black hawk down. Are you a pretty good cook? Anything imparticular that you are really good at making? I'm pretty good on the grill, but can make about anything if I try.
I shouldnt drag this out to much. I have no idea if you are reading this at work or something. I dont want to keep you from anything.
Hope to hear from ya soon,

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

2 more sleeps

2 more sleeps until I get to wake up and take a pregnancy test.  I haven't even bought a test yet.  I am pretty sure I am going to start any day now, so I haven't wanted to waste the money.  I will probaby wait until Friday afternoon to buy a test. I know it isn't good to be pessimistic but the pain from being let down month after month is overwhelming.  I have a feeling this month will be even worse since I was my first IUI.

I wish DH was more supportive.  He knows when the test date is since he was there when the doctor told me when I could take the test and he hasn't said anything to me at all. He hasn't give me any words of encouragement or even asked how I was doing. It would be nice if he would even acknowledge that this could be a stressful time.

Oh well 2 more days and then we are taking 2 months off, for my surgery in August.

In other news.  I have an interview tomorrow, withhin the same company just a different department.  I currently work in a 401K call center and I hate spending 8 hours of the day on the telephone.  I am interviewing for an administritave assistant position for the director of a different department. I am not sure if it is exactly what I want. I am praying on it to make the right decision.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

3 days until test day

Just a few more days to go until I can take a pregnancy test. I am pretty sure I will get a negative result, so I am not even sure if I will even bother buying a test.  I probably will though, just because I like to torture to myself.

I decided to distract myself this week, by getting super organized with my coupons.  I made up a spread sheet and organizeed the list by product type and expiration date.  Instead of just throwing the coupons into an envelope I bought a 3 ring binder and organized the coupons by product type.


I think that if I actually stuck to my grocery list I wouldn't have spent as much. But I spent $174.38 and saved $47.08.  But since I shop at Winn Dixie, the next time fill my fas tank it will be discounted $1.30 a gallon so I think it evens out.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Give me Chocolate

I started having intense cravings for chocolate today and that only happens when I am PMSing.  I guess that means I wasn't successful this time. I guess there is still a chance that it was successful and that these are just stress cravings.  I sent MB to the store to get me some chocolate cake.  I pretty much have spent the evening fighting off tears because I feel like we failed this time.

I am feeling pretty down today so this is going to be short.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I woke up this morning dreaming about babies. Nothing specific, just a baby floating through the sky.  Obviously I have babies on the brain. But I woke up feeling hopeful.   There is an inspirational message my doctor has in his office.  It is a baby sitting in God's lap asking if his parents are ready for him and eventually after the struggle, God says they are ready because the they grew as people going through this experience and god sends the baby down and the woman becomes pregnant.

My dream reminded me of that. I felt like my future child was watching me, waiting for me to be truly ready for her to arrive.  I just need to keep the faith and believe it it will happen when the time is right. This experience definitely makes me feel a little crazy. 

I guess I will keep taking my prenatal vitamins and not drinking

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

10 Days to go

For some reason I have it in my head that the IUI was not successful.  I know a positive attitude can go a long way but I hate getting my hopes up just to be disappointed. I told MB and his response was that women can usually tell about these things.  I am not sure where he was going with that repsonse.  I really hope that he reads "What to Expect When She's Not Expecting".  I really think it will helpful for him.  Another thing I liked about the book was that it made feel normal. I am not the only one who feels the way I do. When MB reads it maybe he won't look at me crazy the next time I start crying at a preview for the new Winnie the Pooh movie.

Now in news outside my infertility, CB went to spend some time with his mom. The house is quiet and a little lonely without him.  I have been very blessed to have CB in my life.  he is growing into a remarkable young man.  I like to think that I had something to with that.

MB and I are working on our differences. We will get over it, we always do.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Waiting Game

Has it really only been four days since my IUI? Do I really have to wait 11 days to take a pregnancy test?  The waiting has to be the worst part so far.  I keep going through a roller coaster of emotions between being 100% sure that it didn't work and being very hopeful that it did work.  It doesn't help that right now MB and I are arguing. Same fight different day.  MB is currently collecting workman's comp and he spends most of every day doing nothing productive at all and I get completely fed up with having to work full time and then coming home and having to do all the housework.

Today he spent the day at the beach with his friends.  Mondays are the days his check comes in, instead of leaving the beach early enough to get the mail and go to the bank, he conveniently forgot that his his check would be here.  I just wish he would be more responsibly.  I love him but it can be very frustrating.

Well, it is off to bed for me, when I wake up tomorrow it will only be 10 more days.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

A little help for my husband

I bought my husband a book, "What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting", by Marc Sedaka.  I thought he could use a little assistance in how to support me during this time.  Let me first say that I love my husband very much. He is a great husband and an excellent father to his son. But he isn't as invested in the the situation as I am. He is more laid back and believes is in just waiting to see what happens. While I am a control freak and will take charge of any situation I can.  Like the book says men want children, but women need them.

When MB and I first go together he wasn't sure if he wanted any more kids. After we were dating for a year I told him he had to decide if he wanted to have another child or not. If he didn't then we would have to go our separate ways.  It was a very difficult time for us.  MB did a lot of soul searching and spoke to CB about it too, in the end he decided to have a child with me.  I'm not really sure if made that decision because he really wants another child, or if he just wants to make me happy.

I do know that he can't feel the same way I do about the situation since he already has a child of his own and if we aren't successful with having a child together he won't have that emptiness in his life.

The other day he said to me that he never realized how the infertility was effecting me emotionally and that he needed to be more sensitive to the matter.  I had mixed feeling to this statement, the first was being upset that he didn't realize the emotional stress I was going through all this time, but I was also happy that he decided to be more sensitive. But it was obvious that he was going to need all the help he could get.

I read "What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting" and I thought it was an excellent book.  The author broke everything down in in simple terms.  He explained the different tests and procedures using laymen terms and he kept everything concise for the husbands with short attention spans.  I found it useful in clarifying some things I didn't understand either.

I definitely recommend buying this book your significant other or even just for you.  It was one of the best books I have read about infertility.  I will let you know what MB thinks about it after he reads it.  I will also let know if his attitude changes at all.

Round 1

I had my first IUI treatment yesterday and I realized I wanted to chronicle this next stage in our lives.  First a little about me (the tiara) and my husband (the flip flops).

I am 33 years old and my husband (MB) is 36.  We have been together for six years and married for two years.  I am also a stepmom, my husband has a 15 year old son (CB) from his first marriage. We have been trying to get pregnant for the past year and a half on our own with no success, so my ob/gyn recommend a fertility specialist.  I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant once when we were ready.  I have always felt like being a mom is what I was put on this earth for.  My maternal grandmother has like 10 kids and my paternal grandmother has 5.  My mom has three kids and my younger sister has 2 kids. So I just figured it would be easy for me.  Alas, it wasn't, so we the first thing we had to do was get tested.

MB's tests turned out fine. I have cysts on on my ovaries.  I have surgery scheduled in August to have them removed.  The doctor and I decided to try one round of fertility treatment in June.

The doctor decided try Femara.  I went in for an ultrasound scan on day to 2 of my cycle.  I took the Femara on days 3 through 7. Day 9 I went back for another sonogram to check my follicles. They looked good to the nurse told me I would be giving myself a trigger shot that evening. Great!

Wait! What? I will be giving myself the shot? No one mentioned that to me before. I hate needles. I always have a minor panic attack before I have to get blood drawn or get a shot and they expect me to give one to myself. In my stomach. Great.  I guess overcoming your fears is something you have to before becoming a mom.  OK not really, there is no way I can give myself a shot, but fortunately MB felt confident in his ability to do it.

So 6:00 comes around and I go the bedroom and I start crying a little bit. But MB does a great job, I only felt a little pinch.

The next morning we had to get up early so MB could make a donation for the IUI. When we walk back into the lobby the receptionist gives us a knowing look, like "I know what you were doing".  But all she says to is to come back an hour later with a full bladder. So MB and I went to grab breakfast and I drank plenty of liquids. When we got back to doctor's office I was ready to burst. There were three women in the lobby waiting there turn. I waited patiently for about 10 minute, but I finally went to the desk and explained my situation and they took me right back. I felt  a little bad for the women who were still waiting.

MB came back with me because I a little scared. I read about the procedure and I was afraid it would hurt a little bit. And it did but it wasn't unbearable, just crampy. Afterwards I had to lie still for 10 minutes.  They reminded there was was only a 20% chance of being successful which is better than the 5% when you try it naturally. I am also not allowed to test for 14 days.  They also told us to have sex for the next 3 days and MB perked right up. These were doctor instructions he was happy to follow.

I now get to spend the next 14 days walking the fine like of being hopeful but realistic.  Positive thinking is important,  but if it doesn't work I don't want to be to disappointed.

I'd appreciate in positive thoughts and prayers.