How we met

One more day until I get confirmation one way or the other. I am distracting myself by reading e-mails Michael sent me.  So I decided to share the story of how we met.

I am going to try and get Michael to write up his version of how we came to be. I think it will be interesting to see it from both of points of view. Maybe it will become a regular segment, "He said/She said".

It all began November 17, 2004. I was a member of an online dating site called American Singles.  I had just gotten home from another bad date and decided that I was done with dating and I was signing on to cancel my membership.  Before I did, I saw I had a message from a cute solider just saying hi and introducing myself.  He was stationed in Iraq, so I figured why not. He would probably make a nice pen pal. So I wrote him back and this was the very first e-mail he sent to me.

Hi LaTisha,

Thank you for writing me back.

What kind of stuff do you do for fun? Were you ever married or have kids? What kind of work do you do?

It really isn't to bad being over here. I miss my son but that's really about it. I'm looking into doing another year over here.

I was married for almost 10 years. My ex started having an affair and decided she didn't want to be married anymore. We share custody of our son. He usually spends a week with me and then a week with her.

My favorite author is probably Tom Clancy, but I just finished reading a book called cold zero by Christopher Whitcomb. He was a sniper with the FBIs hostage rescue team and the book is his story. It was a great book. I read it in like 5 days or something.

Next month will be 11yrs I have been in the national guard or reserves. I was never active duty.

Thanks again for writing me back,

Michael

Pretty generic.  It was his second e-mail that his sense of humor started shining through and I got a glimpse of his personality.

Hi Latisha,

I have to admit I went back and checked out your profile again. You are beautiful, and tall, and you have enough authors that you like that I am thinking you must read alot. Usually a sign of someone bright enough to carry on a decent conversation. So where is the catch? Are you crazy? It's ok you can tell me. I'm just messin around. It's 3:30 in the morning and I am getting tired so there is no telling what may come out of my mouth right now. Tom Clancy is great. A couple of movies were made from his series of books. The sum of all fears, with Ben Affleck was the last one. I have some of Dean Kootz books. They were sent to me over here but I havnt gotten around to reading them. I know a few people that read alot of Cornwell, and Grafton and really seem to like them.

My son is 9. He is probably the only thing I miss form home. Of course I miss the rest of my family but it isnt the same. When I'm not off playing war, I am an estimator for an air conditioner contractor.  For fun I love the beach. Day and night. I like clubs. I can dance well enough to fake it. I play pool for fun. Will never claim to be good at it but I have moments where I amaze myself. I think what I enjoy the most is just staying home and finding something to do. Go jogging, or watch tv, or play cards. I have the most fun drinking beer and watching football with my best friend. What kind of movies do you like? I think my favorite right now are the 2 bad boy movies and black hawk down. Are you a pretty good cook? Anything imparticular that you are really good at making? I'm pretty good on the grill, but can make about anything if I try.

I shouldnt drag this out to much. I have no idea if you are reading this at work or something. I dont want to keep you from anything.

Hope to hear from ya soon,

Michael

Anyway we wrote back and forth usually multiple times in one day.  Then Michael started calling on the phone when he could.  I never knew you could fall in love with someone that you had never met in person. But it happened even though it was something neither one of really wanted.  Michael was writing to multiple girls at the time getting them to send him stuff, looking forward to coming home and being single and I was just fed up with the male species.

To be continued

2 more sleeps

2 more sleeps until I get to wake up and take a pregnancy test.  I haven't even bought a test yet.  I am pretty sure I am going to start any day now, so I haven't wanted to waste the money.  I will probaby wait until Friday afternoon to buy a test. I know it isn't good to be pessimistic but the pain from being let down month after month is overwhelming.  I have a feeling this month will be even worse since I was my first IUI.

I wish DH was more supportive.  He knows when the test date is since he was there when the doctor told me when I could take the test and he hasn't said anything to me at all. He hasn't give me any words of encouragement or even asked how I was doing. It would be nice if he would even acknowledge that this could be a stressful time.

Oh well 2 more days and then we are taking 2 months off, for my surgery in August.

In other news.  I have an interview tomorrow, withhin the same company just a different department.  I currently work in a 401K call center and I hate spending 8 hours of the day on the telephone.  I am interviewing for an administritave assistant position for the director of a different department. I am not sure if it is exactly what I want. I am praying on it to make the right decision.

3 days until test day

Just a few more days to go until I can take a pregnancy test. I am pretty sure I will get a negative result, so I am not even sure if I will even bother buying a test.  I probably will though, just because I like to torture to myself.

I decided to distract myself this week, by getting super organized with my coupons.  I made up a spread sheet and organizeed the list by product type and expiration date.  Instead of just throwing the coupons into an envelope I bought a 3 ring binder and organized the coupons by product type.



I think that if I actually stuck to my grocery list I wouldn't have spent as much. But I spent $174.38 and saved $47.08.  But since I shop at Winn Dixie, the next time fill my fas tank it will be discounted $1.30 a gallon so I think it evens out.

Give me Chocolate

I started having intense cravings for chocolate today and that only happens when I am PMSing.  I guess that means I wasn't successful this time. I guess there is still a chance that it was successful and that these are just stress cravings.  I sent MB to the store to get me some chocolate cake.  I pretty much have spent the evening fighting off tears because I feel like we failed this time.

I am feeling pretty down today so this is going to be short.

Dreams

I woke up this morning dreaming about babies. Nothing specific, just a baby floating through the sky.  Obviously I have babies on the brain. But I woke up feeling hopeful.   There is an inspirational message my doctor has in his office.  It is a baby sitting in God's lap asking if his parents are ready for him and eventually after the struggle, God says they are ready because the they grew as people going through this experience and god sends the baby down and the woman becomes pregnant.

My dream reminded me of that. I felt like my future child was watching me, waiting for me to be truly ready for her to arrive.  I just need to keep the faith and believe it it will happen when the time is right. This experience definitely makes me feel a little crazy. 

I guess I will keep taking my prenatal vitamins and not drinking

10 Days to go

For some reason I have it in my head that the IUI was not successful.  I know a positive attitude can go a long way but I hate getting my hopes up just to be disappointed. I told MB and his response was that women can usually tell about these things.  I am not sure where he was going with that repsonse.  I really hope that he reads "What to Expect When She's Not Expecting".  I really think it will helpful for him.  Another thing I liked about the book was that it made feel normal. I am not the only one who feels the way I do. When MB reads it maybe he won't look at me crazy the next time I start crying at a preview for the new Winnie the Pooh movie.

Now in news outside my infertility, CB went to spend some time with his mom. The house is quiet and a little lonely without him.  I have been very blessed to have CB in my life.  he is growing into a remarkable young man.  I like to think that I had something to with that.

MB and I are working on our differences. We will get over it, we always do.

The Waiting Game

Has it really only been four days since my IUI? Do I really have to wait 11 days to take a pregnancy test?  The waiting has to be the worst part so far.  I keep going through a roller coaster of emotions between being 100% sure that it didn't work and being very hopeful that it did work.  It doesn't help that right now MB and I are arguing. Same fight different day.  MB is currently collecting workman's comp and he spends most of every day doing nothing productive at all and I get completely fed up with having to work full time and then coming home and having to do all the housework.

Today he spent the day at the beach with his friends.  Mondays are the days his check comes in, instead of leaving the beach early enough to get the mail and go to the bank, he conveniently forgot that his his check would be here.  I just wish he would be more responsibly.  I love him but it can be very frustrating.

Well, it is off to bed for me, when I wake up tomorrow it will only be 10 more days.

A little help for my husband

I bought my husband a book, "What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting", by Marc Sedaka.  I thought he could use a little assistance in how to support me during this time.  Let me first say that I love my husband very much. He is a great husband and an excellent father to his son. But he isn't as invested in the the situation as I am. He is more laid back and believes is in just waiting to see what happens. While I am a control freak and will take charge of any situation I can.  Like the book says men want children, but women need them.

When MB and I first go together he wasn't sure if he wanted any more kids. After we were dating for a year I told him he had to decide if he wanted to have another child or not. If he didn't then we would have to go our separate ways.  It was a very difficult time for us.  MB did a lot of soul searching and spoke to CB about it too, in the end he decided to have a child with me.  I'm not really sure if made that decision because he really wants another child, or if he just wants to make me happy.

I do know that he can't feel the same way I do about the situation since he already has a child of his own and if we aren't successful with having a child together he won't have that emptiness in his life.

The other day he said to me that he never realized how the infertility was effecting me emotionally and that he needed to be more sensitive to the matter.  I had mixed feeling to this statement, the first was being upset that he didn't realize the emotional stress I was going through all this time, but I was also happy that he decided to be more sensitive. But it was obvious that he was going to need all the help he could get.

I read "What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting" and I thought it was an excellent book.  The author broke everything down in in simple terms.  He explained the different tests and procedures using laymen terms and he kept everything concise for the husbands with short attention spans.  I found it useful in clarifying some things I didn't understand either.

I definitely recommend buying this book your significant other or even just for you.  It was one of the best books I have read about infertility.  I will let you know what MB thinks about it after he reads it.  I will also let know if his attitude changes at all.

Round 1

I had my first IUI treatment yesterday and I realized I wanted to chronicle this next stage in our lives.  First a little about me (the tiara) and my husband (the flip flops).

I am 33 years old and my husband (MB) is 36.  We have been together for six years and married for two years.  I am also a stepmom, my husband has a 15 year old son (CB) from his first marriage. We have been trying to get pregnant for the past year and a half on our own with no success, so my ob/gyn recommend a fertility specialist.  I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant once when we were ready.  I have always felt like being a mom is what I was put on this earth for.  My maternal grandmother has like 10 kids and my paternal grandmother has 5.  My mom has three kids and my younger sister has 2 kids. So I just figured it would be easy for me.  Alas, it wasn't, so we the first thing we had to do was get tested.

MB's tests turned out fine. I have cysts on on my ovaries.  I have surgery scheduled in August to have them removed.  The doctor and I decided to try one round of fertility treatment in June.

The doctor decided try Femara.  I went in for an ultrasound scan on day to 2 of my cycle.  I took the Femara on days 3 through 7. Day 9 I went back for another sonogram to check my follicles. They looked good to the nurse told me I would be giving myself a trigger shot that evening. Great!

Wait! What? I will be giving myself the shot? No one mentioned that to me before. I hate needles. I always have a minor panic attack before I have to get blood drawn or get a shot and they expect me to give one to myself. In my stomach. Great.  I guess overcoming your fears is something you have to before becoming a mom.  OK not really, there is no way I can give myself a shot, but fortunately MB felt confident in his ability to do it.

So 6:00 comes around and I go the bedroom and I start crying a little bit. But MB does a great job, I only felt a little pinch.

The next morning we had to get up early so MB could make a donation for the IUI. When we walk back into the lobby the receptionist gives us a knowing look, like "I know what you were doing".  But all she says to is to come back an hour later with a full bladder. So MB and I went to grab breakfast and I drank plenty of liquids. When we got back to doctor's office I was ready to burst. There were three women in the lobby waiting there turn. I waited patiently for about 10 minute, but I finally went to the desk and explained my situation and they took me right back. I felt  a little bad for the women who were still waiting.

MB came back with me because I a little scared. I read about the procedure and I was afraid it would hurt a little bit. And it did but it wasn't unbearable, just crampy. Afterwards I had to lie still for 10 minutes.  They reminded there was was only a 20% chance of being successful which is better than the 5% when you try it naturally. I am also not allowed to test for 14 days.  They also told us to have sex for the next 3 days and MB perked right up. These were doctor instructions he was happy to follow.

I now get to spend the next 14 days walking the fine like of being hopeful but realistic.  Positive thinking is important,  but if it doesn't work I don't want to be to disappointed.

I'd appreciate in positive thoughts and prayers.